Loosing sight of sanity quickly like a sly fox in the dark woods. My soul feels as if it’s at war with it’s self, trying to forget and let go while…still having trouble with holding on. I know I can change nothing. What has happened is done, and can not be undone. But the thoughts still come, taunting me in this way. Questions filter through, Do you still love him? If you don’t do you want to? Could you ever give your body to another? Love another? Would you even want to love another? Ever trust another to enter and dwell inside what is so, tender. Will you learn to walk alone? Must you walk alone? And if you do walk alone is it better that way?
It is as if a storm rages inside the deepest recesses of my heart and soul. I’m trying to calm the turbulent waters, but nothing seems to abate the waves. So I’ve done nothing but close off that part of me.
Because dealing with it would mean dealing with everything that I hated about myself. I and I still feel the guilt sting my conscience of how betrayed him. I know I deserve to smile, but the reason evades me. For I can not see through the storm that seems to rage inside me. And even though I know I have purpose here, fog surrounds what was once so clear making me doubt myself and my feelings.
I know this is a test, yet it seems harsh. Carefree days long since gone, and it makes me wonder if they were ever there at all. Yet it seems my heart yearns to be just that, which is probably why I find my self enamored within the pages of my first true love. Some times it is all I have, and the only thing that keeps me going when the raging waves want to swallow me whole.
My hollowed ground. My solace through my darkest hours. The keeper of everything that is me. My only escape when my feet could carry me no further. I would unleash my hold and let myself run free in worlds where feet where not needed. I have traveled many journeys like this and have become an intricate part in all of them. It makes me wonder if I was meant to travel with out walking? Since I can hardly seem to keep myself grounded long enough to find out. So I ask myself is it better to fly, or let the hungry wolves tear me apart? A quote comes to me often when I think of that. “ Courage is not the absence of fear, but the realization that something is of far greater importance .”
It would seem then that I am talking the easy way out and flying to my haven. But I ask myself again, am I strong enough not to break in the jaws of the snapping predator who is ever presently at my heels? And is it too late to find what is of great importance just beyond the fog?